A Not So Distant Past

It often strikes me what dating culture, or as previously referenced, hookup culture, is like. It's no wonder that works of authors like Shakespeare or Jane Austen fascinate us now today. They give us a glance at a sort of romance that could never possible occur in the modern era. The time, the effort, and the sort of grace that stories like Pride and Prejudice or Romeo and Juliet, to offer up the most obvious of all options, let us dwell in situations opposite of our own. At the same time, it is hard to forget that "falling in love" in such times was almost never the case. On the off chance that individuals were allowed to married the person of their choice, there is a stiffness in the air in which these works portray falling in love as a sort of game in which one has to be very careful.

I had the opportunity in my senior year of high school to write my senior international baccalaureate paper on this topic. Specifically, I focused on the culture of marriage in terms of class. The paper required a thorough knowledge of the women's art of courting with men. To be blunt, there were specific (and truly, rather ridiculous) rules that any aristocratic women would know as part of being brought up. The details of "knowing how to flirt," down the way women should enter carriages, would have been enough to make me scream.

And yet, I think that years from now if/when I get married, I will regret the lack of pieces like love letters. The type of patience that existed then will never ever exist again, thanks to the sorts of technology like texting and emailing. Although, the changes that have occurred when it comes to things like falling in love are not all bad. The idea of forced marriages and marring without love, at least in the western hemisphere, are thankfully rapidly disappearing.

If it does end...

Breaking up. The word just makes me cringe. Most people, at some point in their lives, go through a break up. Whether you are the recipient or cause of a break up, it is never easy. In fact, sometimes it can be downright horrible. I know the feeling and, honestly, no one can understand unless they have been through it. I remember the first time I got dumped I literally felt like I would never feel happy again. I was also convinced that I would NEVER find love again--I want to go back and slap myself--and would be single and lonely forever. Obviously, both of these things were untrue and I found both happiness and love. But at the time, I felt helpless and I have had to help many of my friends go through the same experience. There is no easy way to go through a break up and, unless you have a heart of steel, it is likely going to take at least some time to get over it. That old, frustrating quote "time heals everything" really does apply here. I know know you don't want to hear it but it's true. The pain may seem so unbearable now but there WILL be a day when it was once all a part of the past.

There are a few useful suggestions I would like to make for dealing with a break up. If you are the recipient of the break up, I would suggest trying to get out and do as many different activities as possible. Keeping yourself occupied and hanging out with friends will help take your mind off the break up and your recent ex. Also, as tempting as it is to text him or her, don't. Unless it is a rare case, your ex has already made up his or her mind and it isn't going to change. Texting or calling him or her will only cause more pain because talking to them will make all of those feelings rush to the surface again. It may seem like hearing from him or her will make you feel better but once you realize it is still the same, it will leave you feeling very low. Save yourself from feeling this way . Cry, shout, punch your pillow, go on a run, write a mean letter and then tear it up or do anything else to get your emotions out but don't rely on the one who caused the pain to fix it. It's hard to no longer be able to depend on someone who used to be close with, but, I'm sorry to say it, your ex doesn't want to be that person for you anymore. Don't forget that there are thousands of people who have been through a break up so you are never alone. Actually, there are many self-help books you can read to make the process a little easier. 

Now, if you are the cause, or the breakupee, (a weird term I just created), stop contacting your ex. Texting or calling your ex will only give your him or her hopes of you wanting to get back together. However, if they are to contact you don't ignore them because they are already suffering enough. Obviously this only applies if your ex didn't do anything drastic, like cheat, to cause the break up. The worst thing you could possibly ever do is to continue to flirt or hook up with your ex. This is really just like teasing and is very selfish. You can't have your cake and it and too and if you no longer want a emotional connection with that person your must realize that you are aren't  guaranteed that physical connection either. Sure, it's easy for any two people to hook up and your ex may be up for it. After it's over you may be feeling fine, but they will probably be wishing it wasn't temporary. It is important to have respect for the person you just broke up with and realize that they may be having a difficult time letting you go. Don't make it any harder by dangling yourself in front of their faces and then running away when you sense them becoming attached again.

Let's face it--breakups suck. However, "when one door closes another one opens." You aren't the first or last person who will go through a break up and one day you will look back and realize that maybe it was for the best. Also, if you never want to risk having your heart broken, you might as well rule out love all together. Who wants to do that? Stay strong and remember that love has no age limit. It is very likely that you will find somebody (or maybe more than one person) again and that the relationship will be more fulfilling and special than your last.

"That's my family you are talking about."

There have been many accounts of a boy or a girl not seeing eye-to-eye with their significant other's family. Here's the deal: no matter which way you look at it there is never a good reason to trash your boyfriend or girlfriend's family. Sure, you may express frustration or not be too fond of Sally or Bob's sister or father, but spewing venom about them is never a good way to go. Why? First of all, even if your boyfriend or girlfriend agrees with you, they may not like you talking so maliciously about their family members, though they may not tell you. Also, since there is always a likelihood of you breaking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, you don't want the things you once said about their family to come back and bite you in the ass. How I think of it is if you don't like my family (one of the nicest, most accepting families, though everyone has their faults), it is going to be hard for me to fully accept you into my life. Of course, I am rare in the fact that I do not have any beef with my family members and am very protective over them. While I understand that it is difficult to always understand another person, family is blood and is not something you want to mess with. The longer you are in a relationship, the more you know about someone's relatives and this gives you a bit more freedom to express your opinions, especially if the two of you are married. But if you are just beginning a relationship, I would suggest keeping your lips sealed. If you really can't deal with your boyfriend or girlfriend's family, then you may want to reconsider the relationship and how one's relatives are going affect your life. Or, you could always try moving to another country. That is more of a joke in case that piece of advice was taken too literally. But remember--your boyfriend or girlfriend's family is most likely not going anywhere. 

Life Happens...

Last night, I remembered this great saying that I think we should all think about at some point...
"Life Happens while you are busy making other plans."
There are many ways to look at this when it comes to your romantic life. First of all, if you are exhausting yourself looking for Mr. Right (or Mrs. Right) maybe its time to focus on other things and put that part of your life aside. According to this quote, Mr. Right will find his way into your life when you least expect it. Who knows! you could be in line to buy your dog a new leash and some guy asks you what kind of dog you have and then things could develop...although that is a little idealized, I wanted to make the point that life happens when you are not thinking about it. From my last post, you might all know that Im kinda obsessed with The Bachelor on ABC. This is relevant because all 25 women obsess over ONE thing...love. They fit themselves to this weird, forced situation to fall in love and focus all of there energy on winning. While this is the name of the game, I would like to hope that people do the exact OPPOSITE of this show in the daily lives. Yes, I know we have crushes on the perfect guy! I maintain that with the quote above and the reference to the pathetic puppy love on The Bachelor, that you could focus your energy on work and yourself and you other relationships in order to subliminally get the attention of your crush. Once he or she sees how off guard you are, they might notice you even more!

I am a big believer in things working out the way they are supposed to. This is why "making other plans" is so important in building romantic relationships. From first hand experience, I tied myself down to the relationship I was in and stopped making other plans. Recently, I do no have the luxury to constantly be around my boyfriend so I have been focused on my other plans. I had no idea that he would notice how much I was independent and alive from all my other activities...its like falling in love all over again. I also believe that if you make other plans, you will be less hurt if things dont work out. Not only if your crush doesnt return your same feelings, you have other plans BUT for me, if my boyfriend is busy and cant hang out then I dont feel as lonely or left-out because I have other plans to make! All I can say is MAKE PLANS for yourself and keep busy to keep the romance alive. Life will fall into place because you have lots going on that will not only distract you, but leave you more open to new people to make romantic connections with. Until next time, keep posted! xo

So You Have Kids...

Striving to keep your relationship spicy and booming with a kid in the picture? First off, let me state for the record that although possible, it will get harder as the child gets older. But to keep your relationship spicy with a kid or more, you will need the assistance of ones who can babysit. Once you find that then you both just need to set aside a day where it is just dedicated to the two of you. Try not to call in and see how things are going with the child if you know you have left them with a trusted, responsible adult. Not checking up on your child may sound irresponsible but its not and it just ruins the moment with you and your partner. When you set aside at least once every two weeks to couple time then it will defiantly help. Ladies, give your man some attention. Just because you have a child doesn’t mean you don’t have a man. Men need love too. And parents, stop letting your kid sleep with you. The bed is sacred territory for you and your partner. More advice to come on this topic so stay tuned.

When You Are Stuck In A Rut...

First of all, when I am stuck in a rut in a romantic relationship...I feel it! I am not myself and I feel like the smallest things are mundane and lackluster and I know most people have this feeling when they are in a long-term relationship. Long-term relationships are hard because dates may not be as exciting as what you see on the Bachelor when he takes her to a Carnival shut-down for just two people to have a romantic date or when Seal comes out of nowhere to sing a love ballad to you on your date!! Still, ruts are hard because fast-food dates become routine and nights-in on the couch seems too familiar!

Although I am not an expert, I am a realist. I know that romance is how exciting you and your significant other make it. For me, I want romance in small doses to savor. I used to want the big show and dance with fancy dates and surprises I mean who doesnt? But alas! My relationship got to be 2 years old this year and Im faced with some bumps in the road with how to turn small ruts that Im stuck in around! Ill let you know that some of my friends, faced with these "ruts" would run for the hills because the romance is not exciting enough. However, my advice would be to take control and add some romance into small things. I like healthy competition and flirting in my relationships when I play scrabble with my boyfriend, we make bets with each other not for money or dinner but for fun! When it comes to being in college, I barely have extra spending money for a mani pedi let alone a fancy date...so I cook-in with my boyfriend and make us sit at the table with no tv or phones for the sake of flirting ( I love flirting, who says you have to stop once you enter a relationship?) and keeping lively conversation. One last advice for getting out of a rut is to do more things together but spend a good amount of time apart. An example of this for me this week was going to the gym with my boyfriend and working out together was fun and healthy relationship activity. Then, after a date and movie I like to spend a few days doing what I need to do in my life before I go back to my romantic life...this way I bring my own experiences to my relationship and I have more to share and have interesting in my life where I dont feel like my only excitement is date-night but rather my own independence is lively too. When you are in a rut, find a balance that changes things up and try what I have tried: flirt, find romance in small things, and spend healthy time apart! Next time: spicing up that long-term relationship! Stay Tuned!

Is This Love?

So I’m sure this is a question we have all asked ourselves at some period of time in our life; is this love? So how do you know? Well taking my prior knowledge from past relationships and the wise wisdom of the women that came before me, I think I have an idea. When someone loves, they themselves no longer become the priority and main focus in their own life. They are no longer selfish. When you go out to eat you call that person to see if they would like some thing also. When you and your mate are having a movie night and there is one piece of buffalo wing on the plate and they let you have it. When they open the door for you (men) and then you (women) proceed to unlock the door for them before they get to the door. I know you’re laughing, simple stuff right? Well that’s not all. My granny told me that if a man doesn’t make you cry but is worth crying over then its love. My mama told me that love is when you can’t picture waking up to anybody else in the morning for the rest of your life but them. Love is all those things. But love to me is when you dream you see them. Love is when you are mad at them nothing could get you mad enough to want to live without them. Love is not being able to describe in words how much you care for them because mere words cannot begin to grasp the concept of the kind of love you have for them. Love requires no thinking, love come from the heart. And if your heart flutters each and every time you see their face or hear their voice then its love, no doubts, no questions.