A Not So Distant Past

It often strikes me what dating culture, or as previously referenced, hookup culture, is like. It's no wonder that works of authors like Shakespeare or Jane Austen fascinate us now today. They give us a glance at a sort of romance that could never possible occur in the modern era. The time, the effort, and the sort of grace that stories like Pride and Prejudice or Romeo and Juliet, to offer up the most obvious of all options, let us dwell in situations opposite of our own. At the same time, it is hard to forget that "falling in love" in such times was almost never the case. On the off chance that individuals were allowed to married the person of their choice, there is a stiffness in the air in which these works portray falling in love as a sort of game in which one has to be very careful.

I had the opportunity in my senior year of high school to write my senior international baccalaureate paper on this topic. Specifically, I focused on the culture of marriage in terms of class. The paper required a thorough knowledge of the women's art of courting with men. To be blunt, there were specific (and truly, rather ridiculous) rules that any aristocratic women would know as part of being brought up. The details of "knowing how to flirt," down the way women should enter carriages, would have been enough to make me scream.

And yet, I think that years from now if/when I get married, I will regret the lack of pieces like love letters. The type of patience that existed then will never ever exist again, thanks to the sorts of technology like texting and emailing. Although, the changes that have occurred when it comes to things like falling in love are not all bad. The idea of forced marriages and marring without love, at least in the western hemisphere, are thankfully rapidly disappearing.

If it does end...

Breaking up. The word just makes me cringe. Most people, at some point in their lives, go through a break up. Whether you are the recipient or cause of a break up, it is never easy. In fact, sometimes it can be downright horrible. I know the feeling and, honestly, no one can understand unless they have been through it. I remember the first time I got dumped I literally felt like I would never feel happy again. I was also convinced that I would NEVER find love again--I want to go back and slap myself--and would be single and lonely forever. Obviously, both of these things were untrue and I found both happiness and love. But at the time, I felt helpless and I have had to help many of my friends go through the same experience. There is no easy way to go through a break up and, unless you have a heart of steel, it is likely going to take at least some time to get over it. That old, frustrating quote "time heals everything" really does apply here. I know know you don't want to hear it but it's true. The pain may seem so unbearable now but there WILL be a day when it was once all a part of the past.

There are a few useful suggestions I would like to make for dealing with a break up. If you are the recipient of the break up, I would suggest trying to get out and do as many different activities as possible. Keeping yourself occupied and hanging out with friends will help take your mind off the break up and your recent ex. Also, as tempting as it is to text him or her, don't. Unless it is a rare case, your ex has already made up his or her mind and it isn't going to change. Texting or calling him or her will only cause more pain because talking to them will make all of those feelings rush to the surface again. It may seem like hearing from him or her will make you feel better but once you realize it is still the same, it will leave you feeling very low. Save yourself from feeling this way . Cry, shout, punch your pillow, go on a run, write a mean letter and then tear it up or do anything else to get your emotions out but don't rely on the one who caused the pain to fix it. It's hard to no longer be able to depend on someone who used to be close with, but, I'm sorry to say it, your ex doesn't want to be that person for you anymore. Don't forget that there are thousands of people who have been through a break up so you are never alone. Actually, there are many self-help books you can read to make the process a little easier. 

Now, if you are the cause, or the breakupee, (a weird term I just created), stop contacting your ex. Texting or calling your ex will only give your him or her hopes of you wanting to get back together. However, if they are to contact you don't ignore them because they are already suffering enough. Obviously this only applies if your ex didn't do anything drastic, like cheat, to cause the break up. The worst thing you could possibly ever do is to continue to flirt or hook up with your ex. This is really just like teasing and is very selfish. You can't have your cake and it and too and if you no longer want a emotional connection with that person your must realize that you are aren't  guaranteed that physical connection either. Sure, it's easy for any two people to hook up and your ex may be up for it. After it's over you may be feeling fine, but they will probably be wishing it wasn't temporary. It is important to have respect for the person you just broke up with and realize that they may be having a difficult time letting you go. Don't make it any harder by dangling yourself in front of their faces and then running away when you sense them becoming attached again.

Let's face it--breakups suck. However, "when one door closes another one opens." You aren't the first or last person who will go through a break up and one day you will look back and realize that maybe it was for the best. Also, if you never want to risk having your heart broken, you might as well rule out love all together. Who wants to do that? Stay strong and remember that love has no age limit. It is very likely that you will find somebody (or maybe more than one person) again and that the relationship will be more fulfilling and special than your last.

"That's my family you are talking about."

There have been many accounts of a boy or a girl not seeing eye-to-eye with their significant other's family. Here's the deal: no matter which way you look at it there is never a good reason to trash your boyfriend or girlfriend's family. Sure, you may express frustration or not be too fond of Sally or Bob's sister or father, but spewing venom about them is never a good way to go. Why? First of all, even if your boyfriend or girlfriend agrees with you, they may not like you talking so maliciously about their family members, though they may not tell you. Also, since there is always a likelihood of you breaking up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, you don't want the things you once said about their family to come back and bite you in the ass. How I think of it is if you don't like my family (one of the nicest, most accepting families, though everyone has their faults), it is going to be hard for me to fully accept you into my life. Of course, I am rare in the fact that I do not have any beef with my family members and am very protective over them. While I understand that it is difficult to always understand another person, family is blood and is not something you want to mess with. The longer you are in a relationship, the more you know about someone's relatives and this gives you a bit more freedom to express your opinions, especially if the two of you are married. But if you are just beginning a relationship, I would suggest keeping your lips sealed. If you really can't deal with your boyfriend or girlfriend's family, then you may want to reconsider the relationship and how one's relatives are going affect your life. Or, you could always try moving to another country. That is more of a joke in case that piece of advice was taken too literally. But remember--your boyfriend or girlfriend's family is most likely not going anywhere. 

Life Happens...

Last night, I remembered this great saying that I think we should all think about at some point...
"Life Happens while you are busy making other plans."
There are many ways to look at this when it comes to your romantic life. First of all, if you are exhausting yourself looking for Mr. Right (or Mrs. Right) maybe its time to focus on other things and put that part of your life aside. According to this quote, Mr. Right will find his way into your life when you least expect it. Who knows! you could be in line to buy your dog a new leash and some guy asks you what kind of dog you have and then things could develop...although that is a little idealized, I wanted to make the point that life happens when you are not thinking about it. From my last post, you might all know that Im kinda obsessed with The Bachelor on ABC. This is relevant because all 25 women obsess over ONE thing...love. They fit themselves to this weird, forced situation to fall in love and focus all of there energy on winning. While this is the name of the game, I would like to hope that people do the exact OPPOSITE of this show in the daily lives. Yes, I know we have crushes on the perfect guy! I maintain that with the quote above and the reference to the pathetic puppy love on The Bachelor, that you could focus your energy on work and yourself and you other relationships in order to subliminally get the attention of your crush. Once he or she sees how off guard you are, they might notice you even more!

I am a big believer in things working out the way they are supposed to. This is why "making other plans" is so important in building romantic relationships. From first hand experience, I tied myself down to the relationship I was in and stopped making other plans. Recently, I do no have the luxury to constantly be around my boyfriend so I have been focused on my other plans. I had no idea that he would notice how much I was independent and alive from all my other activities...its like falling in love all over again. I also believe that if you make other plans, you will be less hurt if things dont work out. Not only if your crush doesnt return your same feelings, you have other plans BUT for me, if my boyfriend is busy and cant hang out then I dont feel as lonely or left-out because I have other plans to make! All I can say is MAKE PLANS for yourself and keep busy to keep the romance alive. Life will fall into place because you have lots going on that will not only distract you, but leave you more open to new people to make romantic connections with. Until next time, keep posted! xo

So You Have Kids...

Striving to keep your relationship spicy and booming with a kid in the picture? First off, let me state for the record that although possible, it will get harder as the child gets older. But to keep your relationship spicy with a kid or more, you will need the assistance of ones who can babysit. Once you find that then you both just need to set aside a day where it is just dedicated to the two of you. Try not to call in and see how things are going with the child if you know you have left them with a trusted, responsible adult. Not checking up on your child may sound irresponsible but its not and it just ruins the moment with you and your partner. When you set aside at least once every two weeks to couple time then it will defiantly help. Ladies, give your man some attention. Just because you have a child doesn’t mean you don’t have a man. Men need love too. And parents, stop letting your kid sleep with you. The bed is sacred territory for you and your partner. More advice to come on this topic so stay tuned.

When You Are Stuck In A Rut...

First of all, when I am stuck in a rut in a romantic relationship...I feel it! I am not myself and I feel like the smallest things are mundane and lackluster and I know most people have this feeling when they are in a long-term relationship. Long-term relationships are hard because dates may not be as exciting as what you see on the Bachelor when he takes her to a Carnival shut-down for just two people to have a romantic date or when Seal comes out of nowhere to sing a love ballad to you on your date!! Still, ruts are hard because fast-food dates become routine and nights-in on the couch seems too familiar!

Although I am not an expert, I am a realist. I know that romance is how exciting you and your significant other make it. For me, I want romance in small doses to savor. I used to want the big show and dance with fancy dates and surprises I mean who doesnt? But alas! My relationship got to be 2 years old this year and Im faced with some bumps in the road with how to turn small ruts that Im stuck in around! Ill let you know that some of my friends, faced with these "ruts" would run for the hills because the romance is not exciting enough. However, my advice would be to take control and add some romance into small things. I like healthy competition and flirting in my relationships when I play scrabble with my boyfriend, we make bets with each other not for money or dinner but for fun! When it comes to being in college, I barely have extra spending money for a mani pedi let alone a fancy date...so I cook-in with my boyfriend and make us sit at the table with no tv or phones for the sake of flirting ( I love flirting, who says you have to stop once you enter a relationship?) and keeping lively conversation. One last advice for getting out of a rut is to do more things together but spend a good amount of time apart. An example of this for me this week was going to the gym with my boyfriend and working out together was fun and healthy relationship activity. Then, after a date and movie I like to spend a few days doing what I need to do in my life before I go back to my romantic life...this way I bring my own experiences to my relationship and I have more to share and have interesting in my life where I dont feel like my only excitement is date-night but rather my own independence is lively too. When you are in a rut, find a balance that changes things up and try what I have tried: flirt, find romance in small things, and spend healthy time apart! Next time: spicing up that long-term relationship! Stay Tuned!

Is This Love?

So I’m sure this is a question we have all asked ourselves at some period of time in our life; is this love? So how do you know? Well taking my prior knowledge from past relationships and the wise wisdom of the women that came before me, I think I have an idea. When someone loves, they themselves no longer become the priority and main focus in their own life. They are no longer selfish. When you go out to eat you call that person to see if they would like some thing also. When you and your mate are having a movie night and there is one piece of buffalo wing on the plate and they let you have it. When they open the door for you (men) and then you (women) proceed to unlock the door for them before they get to the door. I know you’re laughing, simple stuff right? Well that’s not all. My granny told me that if a man doesn’t make you cry but is worth crying over then its love. My mama told me that love is when you can’t picture waking up to anybody else in the morning for the rest of your life but them. Love is all those things. But love to me is when you dream you see them. Love is when you are mad at them nothing could get you mad enough to want to live without them. Love is not being able to describe in words how much you care for them because mere words cannot begin to grasp the concept of the kind of love you have for them. Love requires no thinking, love come from the heart. And if your heart flutters each and every time you see their face or hear their voice then its love, no doubts, no questions.

Why is He Acting Funny?

Ladies, have u ever been dating a guy and things are going well but all of a sudden he starts acting funny? Less attentive Awkward silence over the phone? Just not the same guy you started to like in the first place? So what’s wrong? He just not that into you sweetie! We’ve all heard that line before, but sadly its true. Boys mature into men at a slower pace then girls mature into women do. So if he seems bored with you then he probable isn’t ready for a long term relationship or an exclusive relationship. What’s the solution for you? Well this might be hard for those of you who attach easily with your partners but you have to beat these men at their own game. Men go crazy when they realize they are no longer a priority in a woman’s life. Treat him like he treats you. If he acts as if he doest want you, then you don’t want him. Ladies, if a man doesn’t make you feel special every time you hear his voice, if he loses interest in you for no apparent reason then he doesn’t deserve you or your time. Life is too short to waste your time with no good men.

Celebrity Couples

really don't help the image of overall dating today. Not that it is their fault. Tons of magazines carry all sorts of information about celebrity couples. But reports of how celebrity couples are "doing" is based on anonymous reports or, one of my favorites, the analysis of pictures of the couples. OMG, theres more than 6 inches between their bodies, clearly the relationship is falling apart and/or the marriage is doomed. Thank goodness the magazines figured out they're doomed, in case they didn't know. But even the readers seem to like perpetuating the issue: Cosmopolitan magazine has polled readers asking who they think will break up in the coming future. As if any reader could guess better than the editors. So, going back to maybe why dating isn't taken seriously on college campuses...

And the Countdown Begins...Long Distance Relationships

What do you do when the one you love is thousands of miles away? Many people today are in long-distance relationships and know about the heart ache that comes with being separated from their boyfriend or girlfriend. The truth is long-distance relationships are tough and that's really all there is to it. There is no magic trick to make them work out and no way to make those "I miss him/her so damn much I could die" feelings subside. Also, unless you plan on teleporting, your phone and computer are likely your most treasured items because they are what keep you connected with your loved one. However, talking on the phone or video chatting can only give so much. Nothing can compare to being right next to your boyfriend or girlfriend and being able to touch them and talk face-to-face. But, if you are currently in a long-distance relationship I'm assuming you have already figured this out. 

So, what do you do? How do you maintain a healthy relationship with someone who isn't in the same city, state, country, or even continent? I have been in a long-distance relationship (about 1000 miles) in the past and, like most, it failed after four months. Today, I'm incredibly glad that it did since I love my current boyfriend to death. Still, I only see him every weekend and I have become very used to the "long-distance feel." The first tip I would suggest to anyone is to ACCEPT IT.. Unless your boyfriend/girlfriend suddenly drops out of college or leaves his/her job and shows up at your doorstep in the middle of the night, you can't change the fact that the two of you are apart and likely will be for a while. In other words, it is how it is and this should be your mindset from the beginning. Secondly, you must realize that, like every relationship, there is a likelihood of it not working out. Everyone always wants to think that their relationship is strong enough to survive the challenges of distance, but there is always a potential for a break up. 

Thirdly, you need to be prepared to handle some situations on your own. Depending on your individual lives, both of you are not always going to be able to answer every text or phone call. It is important to have stable friends outside of your relationship to fall back on when your boyfriend or girlfriend is out of touch. When you do talk, remember that texts and phone calls aren't the same as face-to-face contact and misunderstandings can escalate quickly. Remember to keep your cool because being hung up on is never a good feeling. Finally, if the time comes when you are sure that the relationship isn't going to work out, try breaking up face-to-face. If this isn't possible for a long time, don't drag it out but be sensitive. Just because he or she isn't there, doesn't give you the right to end something that was once very special with a five minute phone call. Hopefully, this time WON'T ever come and you will be able to keep your relationship strong. To those out there who have tried or are still successfully managing to have a healthy long-distance relationship, I offer you much respect. You should be proud of yourselves for trying something that many have labeled impossible.

-->Here are some more tips about long distance relationships. Hope they help. 

College Students Need to Get Their S. Together

I had an interesting experience at an on-campus lecture the other day. Some of my friends were required to attend the session, which was outside of class, but several of us tagged along as the lecture content was supposed to be rather different and out there. It was given by the author of Sex and the Soul, Donna Freitas, on the content of her research into college hookup culture. One of the things that she mentioned what that the way that students felt about hookup culture and how they perceived their peers to feel about hookup culture were always different. For example, several students noted the lack of classic dating in the college scene, and missed it, but felt that their peers did not. I found this point to be fascinating as I had come to a similar conclusion about dating at colleges. It seemed to me that students either hooked up with someone once or twice, were hooking up with someone repeatedly, or had reached the status as boyfriend/girlfriend, who knows how. I also decided that I wanted to go on a date, dammit, and promptly informed the guy I was involved with that he needed to ask me on a date, specifically to Pinkberry (God's gift to earth, first to California). And it was amazing. Seriously, why did we ever get rid of dating? Even if a couple goes dutch (splitting the meal), at some point, you will probably get free food. Just something to consider.

Chained to your man/woman?

We all know those couples. The ones that can't go anywhere with out each other? The ones that text each other all day even though they spend every night together? The ones whose whole life revolves around each other? Sure, it's cute when people are in love but there is a difference between love and obsession. In other words, we aren't in high school anymore. No, that's more of a harsh bitchy joke but in some ways it's true. With maturity, comes being able to stand on your own two feet, even if you have someone else by your side. People who are in serious relationships need to be able to have their own independent sense of self. Believe me, I'm no expert on this and it's something I have struggled with. However, I've learned that letting my boyfriend go to poker with the guys WITH OUT me is both necessary and healthy for our relationship. So guys, don't tag along with your girlfriend to a girl night of chick flicks and doing nails. And girls, let your boyfriend play his Halo games with out kissing him in between every level. Not only are you helping yourselves or your significant other, but you are also reducing the chance of being labeled as THAT girlfriend or boyfriend among his or her friends. So come on, enough with the ball and chain. Sometimes distance really does make the heart grow fonder.

My quick Love tip of the week!

Try going without texting him or her for a day and quit obsessing over the next conversation...relish in the last amazing conversation that you had! I had a friend who told me she was upset after a new guy she was texting did not text her back within 10 MINUTES of her last text to him!!! This was alarming because I told her to Chill! Patience is the key in romantic communication esp with the quick texting we are used to :)

Online Dating... Research?

So as I've mentioned before, online dating sites sadly scare me. But I also realized that I did not know much about them. Rather than blow something like 50 dollars and join one, I did a little research. One of the articles that I found struck me as fairly interesting, and sheds some light on if there is a method to the madness behind dating sites. This New York Times article, written by John Tierney, and published on January 28, 2009 (I realize this is slightly outdated, but after what I've read I think what it has to say is still true), talks about the "science" behind online dating. For someone who is incredibly skeptical and doubted the legitimacy of such sites, this proved to be a great jumping off point. So if your interested, take a look!

An Introduction

Hi everyone. I'm one of the co-authors. Not an expert in anything, just a college girl trying to figure stuff out. I am in middle of my sophomore year; a Poli Sci Major with minors in Sociology and Communication, one of the classes which has brought me to you. So as a reader, you probably wonder what 4 college girls have to shed on love. But as all 4 of us come from different places in our lives and esp. concerning relationships, I think that we can explore this topic in a different way. Romantic relationships are probably a topic covered in a lot of blogs. But I'd think I can take a different direction. As I write this, my roommate has just finished watching the bachelor. I checked my Facebook, and ads on the side are full of dating websites. It seems like starting relationships nowadays lack the romance and confidence before technology arguable took over our lives. I've just left a relationship, and am not interested in starting one up through a dating website (sadly, the idea of one sort of scares me!) or a reality TV show. Call me old fashioned, I guess I believe in meeting people and seeing if something clicks. So thats the angle I wish I'd like to explore: starting over, first dates, and just plan getting over small hurdles when it comes to someone new. Maybe sharing some of my experiences, friends', or hypothetical situations. Anything that comes to mind. So thanks!

Just a quick hello!

Hey everyone! I am another creator of this blog! I am so excited to get down to business and cover all of the popular topics about romantic relationships. Like every girl, I love being in love and everything that it entails. I have a boyfriend of a year and a half who means the world to me and who is a huge part of my life. I feel incredibly blessed to be able to be so close to someone at the age of twenty. My boyfriend is not only the love of my life but he is also my best friend. I know every girl dreams of finding her prince charming, but it is not always so easy. In fact, it can often be downright frustrating!  Starting relationships, maintaining relationships, and ending relationships is all quite difficult and sometimes people don't know where to turn for advice and guidance. Well no fear--we are here to help. So forget about those meaningless hook-ups and dating a different guy every weekend. We know you are getting sick of it and have been dreaming for something more. We hope our blog helps you get on the track to finding that special someone and a life full of love and romance. 

Introductions!

Hello Fellow Love Seekers! I wanted to let you know who I am before we get into the romantic nitty gritty just so that we have a proper introduction. My name is Maggie and I am a 20 year old student and I am a hopeless romantic. I love romantic comedies and I always wonder if some of those movies could be played out in real life. However corny and naive that sounds, I think that romance is the holy grail in most lives. Apart from mundane jobs and homework and the occasional trip to the gym, what do we all dream of? I like to imagine that we all secretly dream of being swept off our feet. I have a romantic relationship with my boyfriend of two years and he is the most amazing man who I cherish in my life. Not only do I have some tips and stories, I have countless friends' stories that would shock you and teach you a thing or two about what not to do or what to do right to find or keep a lasting romantic relationship. Think of this blog as a virtual everyday college girl cosmopolitan where romantic relationships rule the content for both my entertainment and yours! Enjoy!

Hey Lovers

Hey lovers all around the world! Im Markeda Cottonham, an SCU student and Communications Major. I will be the expert lover on this blog when it comes long term relationships, and keeping a relationship spicy with a family. Although I'm 19 years young, I'm wise beyond my years. I cant wait to contribute my own thoughts. Hope you enjoy our blog!!!